So, this weekend’s exotic getaway is to …

I can’t say I am necessarily excited about going to my hometown for the weekend. But I am looking forward to getting out of here for a few days. Honestly, I have so much going on, I’m overwhelmed already, and I’m not even there yet.

I am leaving work around 3 to hit the road, and hopefully avoid some of the traffic. Once home, it’s off to some fundraiser with my parents. Do I want to go? Not really, but it’s pretty much the only free time available, and I am trying to not completely burn bridges. However, I am sure there will be some epic fight, and I will leave angry. Luckily, I shouldn’t be mad for too long, because it’s off to see my #1 stunner, Nick Coyle at some sketchy place called “Rob’s Pub”. Even better? My good friend Alexis, whom I haven’t seen in ages, yet g-chat with daily, is attending with her boyfriend J$.

On Saturday, I plan to get up pretty early and go swimming at their Y. After seeing photographs from #sbhh, I immediately called my favorite stylist, Tom, who resembles Cam from Modern Family AND charges me less than $25 to cut my hair, and he fit me in at 12:30. No rest for the weary, because I am then off to Katie’s bridal shower from 2-5 p.m. at her parents’ house. After that, we are celebrating her upcoming nuptials with a ‘bachelorette party’ downtown Wilkes-Barre style. I will absolutely wear any kind of degrading paraphernalia that is expected of us. #bestbridesmaidever

On Sunday, I have to attend the wedding of one of Tim’s college friends which is incidentally in the Wilkes-Barre area. This is the first time I’m attending a wedding in which I know no one. I am excited for an open bar and staying at the Woods. I hope there is bread.

Last night, Sloane came to hang out and it was so nice to just chill and chat one-on-one. It’s always good to dissect things, sometimes I just need to. And I also packed, which was like this. (Thanks Alexis!) I have so many bags. How does this happen?

Also, I have to give a huge congratulations to Ray and Jillian, who just got engaged! They have been dating for eight years, since our senior prom. Eight years! I give myself mad props when I date someone longer than eight seconds. I am so, so happy for them.

Amy, Ray, Jill, Matty-o, me and Billy Bob (Our “group” from high school)

They are going to have a kickass wedding. Man, I guess we’re really growing up, huh?

Before I bid adieu, another huge congrats to Steve-o, who kicked the shit out of the marathon last week. So proud of my BFF!!!!

I’d be lying if I said this morning’s swim was my fastest. Or even closest to my fastest. At least I still managed to pass yellow cap guy? I guess that’s a sign of a successful happy hour.

Okay, I really need a haircut.

After pouring on and off all afternoon, the weather cleared up and we were able to keep happy hour outside on the roof deck. I had my fair share of cherry vodka and diets. I had my fair share of chips. I diligently handed out beer tokens for 30 minutes. I gave away some no hangover drink that was definitely questionable in nature. Man, I love #SBHHs.

Why do I always stand next to Linds? She is like 15 feet taller than I am.

I stayed out until about 8 but I was becoming hangry, so I skipped the group outing to Molly’s, which I probably would have ended up regretting this morning anyway. I just really needed a grilled cheese, ok?

In all seriousness, thanks to all my pals that came. It’s always fun to go out for a little mid-week boost, and maybe I didn’t need that last cherry vodka and diet coke, but it sure was delicious.

BESTIEEEEEEEE

I’m really grateful for everyone in my life. I know I say that all the time, but I truly am. Life sort of sucks lately, and my hip aches every morning which kills me a little bit each day. It makes the possibility of running Steamtown in October seem dimmer. And the prospect of the Wilkes Barre Tri in August seems nonexistent. I just wish things were okay. But until then, I’ve got friends picking me up, handing me vodka and dealing with the constant smell of chlorine.

If you have time, hell even if you don’t have time, read this article that the NY Times published on Sunday. It’s a piece on ultrarunner Micah True, who is well-known from his appearance in the book Born to Run. In my opinion, the article is very well-written, and I even had goose bumps at times.  It’s been a few days since I originally read it, and I’m still thinking about it. It really has my mind spiraling.

First, and I think we all know this comment is coming. Fuck, man(s), I miss running. This article just reenforced it. I need to run, and without it, I just feel lost or something. Like I’ve said a billion times before, I had an inkling that there was perhaps something else going on that’s also bothering me, thus causing this abnormal depressive state, but I have yet to figure it out. I have life (either quarter or mid, depending on how long I make it) crises every so often. Sometimes, I won’t have them for months; sometimes I’ll have three in a month.  From discussions with my friends, I don’t think its abnormal, I think we’re just at a very weird stage in our life.  A “What am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? How did this even happen” sort of inner (or even outer) monologue that goes on.

(Sometimes I really have to remember that people I know in real life secretly read this and I need to can it on the crazy talk.)

Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing it a little day by day and I think maybe it’s this place and I just need to get out of here before it’s “too late”. I don’t even know what I mean by that but I’m just afraid the longer I stay here, the stronger my ties become and is this I want? I really don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with it here, it’s a lovely town but why am I here? Mainly because of job that is completely replaceable. After nearly four years here, I feel like I’ve done a fair job of settling but I can’t help but feel antsy. Why am I still here? Why haven’t I even attempted to leave? I always have excuses: grad school, leases, job security, awesome friends, a fun writing gig with Sara and so forth. I don’t know, maybe I just need to leave and start from scratch, it’s not like I would lose touch with the people who matter, as I have a fairly good track record in that regard. Lately, I’m just struggling with not running and still being in pain. I just feel so hopeless and directionless, like what am I even doing? I mean besides clearly having a WTF moment. I just don’t know. I never wanted my life to be spent behind a desk and here I am. So that’s that. I have no idea what I just wrote but I am not rereading or erasing. It is what it is.

But, hey at least there’s happy hour tonight.

Just in case you needed some “aww” on your Tuesday morning.

My dad emailed me these pictures yesterday. My parents noticed the nest a few weeks ago, and they have kept an eye on them. Recently, the birds poked their heads through and here they are.  Aren’t they adorable? So tiny! Okay, that’s enough cuteness around these parts for at least a year.

I feel like Tuesday is the toughest day of the week.  On Mondays, you are still recovering from the weekend and playing catch up (not to be confused with my favorite condiment, ketchup) at work (I swear, most of my Mondays FLY by); on Wednesday, it’s hump day, you’re halfway through the week; Thursday, come on it is ALMOST the weekend, and Friday is the weekend. Tuesday? What on earth do you have to offer me?

I always think of the days of the week when I swim. In the morning, I break my swim up into five sections and the first one I think of as Monday, the second as Tuesday, the third as Wednesday, and so forth. Strange? Yes. But I play a lot of mind games with myself in that time period. Speaking of swimming, my back has gotten ridiculously broad. At first I thought I was getting fat, but my weight is stable and most of my clothes still fit, just nothing across my back, so none of my button downs currently can be worn. Helpful. I had to buy a dress a size up over the weekend because I couldn’t get the last inch zipped. And no, I don’t think my boobs have grown.

I have to admit I am growing more and more fearful that it’s going to be a long time before I run again. While my hip doesn’t feel nearly as bad as it originally did, it still flares up several times a day. I’m frustrated. When I went to the doctor last week, he told me I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. I mean, I even take the elevator, for goodness sakes. I guess I just want some magic eight ball to give me a date. I’d be so much more hopeful than this big fuzzy question mark. Also, knowing that I’m a “when” rather than an “if” I can run again would be helpful. What if it’s never?

At least my google image searching skills are stellar.

My weekends are killin’ me.

Nads, me, Linds, Sloane

But like my 21-year-old sister always says, “sleep when you’re dead”.  Hopefully, that’s sooner for some of us. We kicked off Friday with happy hour, then bought general admission tickets to the Senators baseball game ($8!). I actually had way more fun than I expected.

It was a beautiful night, and there were tons of people at the game. I didn’t watch any of the innings (apparently they lost), and instead drank a 24 oz can of beer and socialized.

We finished the evening with nightcaps at Molly’s and Sawyer’s.

And fine, a grilled cheese

I should have been a food blogger

Saturday was a mess of errands and the pool and a quick trip to the Park City Mall. I was riding solo for all of it, which was much needed. However, running around is exhausting! I thought I was going to fall asleep in Target, but I stayed strong. We kicked off Saturday night with homemade pizza and drinks on the back porch. Then, Sloane, Nads, Linds, Daryl and I headed to the Brick Haus to meet up with everyone else, then hopped over to Molly’s and concluded the night at Thatch. It was a fun night, long but a good time. I had on a dress with pockets, so I often was sneaking beers from bar to bar. I’m crafty.

Sunday was stationary biking (while watching episodes of Friends. I forgot how funny that show is.)  and then swimming before prepping for brunch, which I think was pretty successful. In fact, I still feel full and a little ill.

We had a good group, way too much food and an excessive amount of booze. Sort of made me forget I was supposed to be PRing a marathon. Sort of. Oh, well at least we have happy hour to look forward to on Wednesday. Now, we just have to get to Wednesday. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

I have some fun things planned for this weekend, but it will still be bittersweet. I should be on my way to the great Northeast PA to run 26.2 miles throughout the Poconos. Instead, I’ll be here, limited to a pool and stationary bike.

This was supposed to be my race. I spent weeks researching spring marathons before ultimately deciding Run for the Red was the one for me. I signed up by myself, preparing to do all the pre-race stuff solo and not have a post-race picture or beer with anyone. However, as I’ve become quite good at persuasion, I managed to convince my pseudo-dad and one of my best friends, Steve, to do it with me. So, it went from my race to our race. We spent our Saturdays running long distances by ourselves and later comparing notes and complaints. And then? After a terrible 20-miler throughout Wilkes-Barre, I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the starting line. I knew something was very wrong with my hip, and lo and behold, a crack appeared.  So now it’s gone from my race to our race to his race. Best of luck to you, Steve. I know you’ll destroy this marathon. I’ll be with you every step of the way, and maybe I’ll cry a little, but I couldn’t be prouder.

So, where does that leave me? Well, super emo, that’s for sure. But tonight, instead of cruising down I-81, I’ll be heading to happy hour with some fine folks, and then to my first Senators game of the season. No, I’m not a baseball fan, as I think it’s terribly boring, but it’s something different to do, and relatively cheap. Also, I think attending happy hour prior will help.

If I have extra time on Saturday after getting all my “must dos” finished, I am definitely taking myself shopping. Not that I am rolling in the dough by any means, but next week, I have Sara’s happy hour on Wednesday, and over next weekend, I have a bridal shower, a bachelorette party and a wedding. So, maybe one or two new things would be nice. Saturday night is a much-needed evening out with some of the girls. This past month, and the upcoming summer months seem jam-packed already, so I’m trying to squeeze in as much quality time with them as possible. Luckily, these nights tend to involve cocktails.

On Sunday, we are hosting “Drunk Brunch” at our apartment.

I am really looking forward to it. We cut the guest list down from our other parties, and invited 40-50 of our favorites, expecting about half to show. We’ve asked everyone to bring food and/or drink, so I hope that happens, or we may end up with a dozen eggs, a handle of vodka and ten pizzas ordered. There are worse things in life, I suppose.

So, that’s that. It is what it is.

1. I finally finished 50 Shades of Grey. I don’t even know why I bothered to finish it, except that I kept thinking “this has to get better”. Spoiler Alert: It doesn’t.

Just say no

2. I had my first bad swim in a long time today. I don’t even think it was a result from going out last night, I just could not get in a groove, and I felt like I was swimming in mud. You win some, you lose some.

Me! Four years ago!

3. I went to my first real tweetup last night. I know I’ve been at them in the past, but this was the first one I went to on purpose, ha.

It was fun! The sad thing is I am way cooler on the internet. Even sadder is that I am not cool on the internet at all.

4. Someone asked me yesterday what my greatest accomplishment thus far in life is. Without even thinking, I blurted out “Running a marathon”. While I am not sure that was the answer they were expecting, I guess you just have to go with your gut reaction. And even now, I can’t think of a better answer.

The funny thing is that neither of us can run right now. Oh life, why you so cruel?!

5. I look forward to the day I realize that when I wear my hair in a top knot, I don’t look like this

Bu more like this

Alas, my hair is in a top knot today.

Yesterday, I received the news I had expected, but didn’t want to hear.  No running for at least another month.

As much as I knew it was coming, I still was really upset. I still cried, I still was a grouch and I still wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I wrote a pretty long post that was filled with ranting, cursing and general loathing of life, the world and everything else. But I didn’t hit publish.

Leaving work with bloodshot eyes and smudged mascara, I had a choice. I could self medicate with a fifth of flavored vodka and a bag of pretzels, or I could self medicate by swimming in circles. I honestly mulled it over, and desperately wanted to take part in indulgences. But I knew I’d just feel shittier. And knew what would ultimately make me feel better.

The pool I swim in looks nothing like this.

So, I went back to the pool. And also had a relatively healthy dinner after, with maybe a few pretzels.

But I’ve realized something. Since I’ve been swimming so much, I’m getting faster. I’m hitting times I haven’t hit post college graduation. I feel stronger. If (and it’s a big, big if at this point) I make it to a triathlon this summer, I am confident I will be dominating the swimming leg.

Yeah, I am frustrated, yeah I’m sad. But I need a major attitude adjustment. So, I’m going to continue to dedicate this time to becoming a stronger swimmer. Instead of reading the Runner’s World website daily, I find myself reading updates on swimmers in the upcoming Olympics.

I don’t hate it

I miss the competition aspect of running terribly, but these days, I usually make up my own races against other swimmers. Obviously, the competition at the local pool is lacking, so I sometimes make up games in my head, like see how long it takes me to lap Person A, then Person B, Person C, and then back to Person A again. Sure, it’s lonely, I miss running and seeing familiar and new faces. I even miss old Gary’s stories. But, I don’t have a choice. I am not choosing not to run, I physically cannot run. So, I have to choose to accept it.

And then, last night, I put on 50/50 for background noise while I was doing other stuff. And if JGL dealing with cancer doesn’t make you feel a little better, well, then, I feel there is little hope.

First…

I AM THE SMARTEST WOMAN ALIVE

Seriously though, I know it doesn’t completely count because I am only in grad school part time, and thus only had to get As in two classes, but this is my first 4.0 ever. During my last two years of undergrad and my first four semesters of grad school, I have always been one A- away from a 4.0. Do you know how frustrating that is? I always get the A- in dumb classes too. I remember one semester in undergrad, I got A’s in Media Law (hardest comm class offered. I know that’s not saying much, but still) and Ecology (uh science is not my thing), only to get an A- in Introduction to Film.

I have an appointment with my orthopedic doctor today. I am totally and completely dreading it, because I know I am going to go in there, pay a $25 copay and be told I still can’t run. The reason I haven’t canceled it is because I hope he can offer me a timeline. This isn’t even me being Debbie Downer and saying “Womp, womp, I know it’ll be bad news.” This is me realizing I am still not 100% free of discomfort in my hip. I’ll still be in a bad mood after regardless. I’m just disappointed, because when I met with him last month, he was pretty confident I’d be okay by now, and May 15th was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. Now, it’s here and well? Yeah. Still not okay.

Last night, a bunch of us (Liz, Brandon, Tim, Cass, Sloane, Katy, Ujala, Jess, Harlen, Alice and me) went to Duke’s to celebrate Nadya’s 27th birthday. It was delightfully uneventful.  As usual I am behind on the trends, but I tried Old Bay seasoning and it was pretty darn delicious. Also, Duke’s has Diet Mountain Dew, which is a rarity, so I was quite excited about that.

Although we weren’t out that late (and I didn’t drink), I am still dragging a bit today. My mind was running a million miles an hour during my workout today, so it flew by. In retrospect, I couldn’t even tell you what I was thinking about, but at the time, I am sure I was curing cancer.

I just hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown at the doctor’s office or get arrested for assault. However, I fortunately know a bunch of lawyers now.

I know it feels like every weekend flies by, but this one was particularly fast. Tim graduated law school on Saturday morning, so the whole weekend was a whirlwind of celebrating and events.

On Friday, we first attended a reception at the school, which was pretty much standard, average catering and beer/wine tables. Obviously, I didn’t know many people, but I drank a few free Miller Lite bottles and suddenly felt much more comfortable after that. After two hours of mingling and shaking hands, we headed to dinner at the country club with Ryan and Kate’s families as well. They made me a grilled cheese, sweet potato fries and served me rum and diets, so I was one happy diner. After eating, the graduates and significant others headed to Alibi’s

This is the only picture I have from Friday. Scary to think these men will soon be able to practice law.

We hung out there for a bit, then headed home, since Saturday was going to be a very long day.

And that it was. I was up at 6:45 to get to the pool, work out, come home, shower, eat and get ready. Tim had to be there at the school an hour early, and by some miracle, we were only 15 minutes late, which nonetheless caused me great anxiety. (Being late makes me incredibly anxious, I have no idea why, it didn’t even matter that we were a bit late.) The ceremony wasn’t too painful, as it was only 90 minutes long, and the commencement speaker even quoted the Black Eyed Peas.

Cool hat, bro.

After the ceremony, there was another reception (alas without booze), then we headed to Tim’s for a mostly family graduation party. I am incredibly nervous around new people, so my anxiety was off the charts. I basically just smiled a lot, drank Coke Zero and ate watermelon. I love watermelon. I also suck at ladderball. Really bad. Anyway, some friends showed up later in the afternoon, so I was much more at ease. Of course Idiot #1 and Idiot #2 (That’s Tim and I) both neglected to wear sunscreen and were outside from 1 p.m. until 7:30 p.m., so we’re both a bit burnt.

Exhaustion kicked in after that, and as much as I tried to power nap when I returned to my apartment, it just wasn’t happening. So, we rallied. Ujala, Jess and Sloane joined us for a few beverages, then we headed to Thatch and then McGrath’s to meet up with Tim’s sister and Eric, who were both there. Around 1 a.m., I sheepishly suggested we head home, and luckily, everyone was MORE than ready to go. And +1 for Tim who made me a grilled cheese when we got back after I continuously whined about how hungry I was. It was delicious, and way better than when I eat french fries at 2 a.m. and wake up hating my life because of how awful my stomach feels.

I also figured out a great time to go the grocery store. I was up pretty early Sunday, and the gym wasn’t even open, so I went grocery shopping a little before 8 a.m. GENIUS. It was EMPTY! I don’t take that long in the grocery store normally, but this was particularly speedy. I then went to the gym and rode the stationary bike for an hour. It was frustrating, because it was a beautiful day out, and I couldn’t help but think about how nice it’d be to dust my road bike off and take it for a spin outdoors, but alas, not yet. I tried to make the best of it, put a smile on my face and jacked up the resistance to get my heart rate rising.

I was really productive for most of the day , also doing laundry, cleaning, swimming and running errands. Around 4 p.m., I positively faceplanted into bed for a power nap, and spent the rest of the night reading and catching up with Nadya.

And it’s Monday again, but it’s Nadya’s birthday, so we’re going to dinner to celebrate. I need a weekend to recover from my weekends.